Castro Valley Educational Foundation

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“Being bullied is not just an unpleasant rite of passage through childhood. It’s a public health problem that merits attention. People who were bullied as children are more likely to suffer from depression and low self esteem, well into adulthood, and the bullies themselves are more likely to engage in criminal behavior later in life.”

Dr. Duane Alexander, Director, National Institute of Child Health and Development

 We all want our children to learn in a safe environment, but sadly, bullying is common on our campuses. Polls show that nearly half of children have been bullied. A bully can make going to school a nightmare for a child. Bullied children may have low self-esteem and depression. The bully may go on to other antisocial behavior as a teenager and adult.

Fortunately, there are things we can do to help reduce this problem. First, the school district takes bullying very seriously. Various school events and classes focus on bullying and solutions to address the situation. Second, several excellent programs, such as PEP (the Parent Educator Program), are used in the schools in Castro Valley. PEP focuses on how to make intelligent choices and how to avoid or diffuse negative or dangerous situations. Finally, we as parents can do a lot to eliminate bullying.

Bullying knows no gender. Girls can bully just as well as boys, although boys tend to be more physical. Bullying is one part of a spectrum of behaviors that starts as harmless fun and goes on to teasing and ridicule and finally to bullying, both emotional and physical. Victims are excluded from activities or the subject of rumors. Race, ethnicity, and sex can be involved. Weight problems, eye glasses, and other physical features might be used against the victim. Cyber-bullying is a new manifestation. Children use email, instant messaging, chat rooms, and camera phones to harass victims.

Children can be exposed to bullying in many ways. They might be the victim. They might be witnesses to the bullying who are indirectly victimized. Or they might be the bully themselves.  It is also not uncommon for children to change roles- at times being the bully, at times being the victim and at other times being a bystander.

The Victim

The bullying victim isn’t always obvious. A black eye is easy to spot, but emotional bullying isn’t always. The child may be too embarrassed to talk about it. But there are some signs to look out for.  One of the easiest changes to look for is avoidance of certain activities or school itself. It is not normal for a child who normally enjoys school or favored activities to begin finding reasons why they can not attend or need to leave early. Additionally, unexplained head aches or stomach aches may indicate that a child is not feeling comfortable at school and now has induced a physical reason why they can not attend.  Problems with sleeping, eating, bedwetting, irritability, and poor concentration may also be indicators.  Lastly, any changes in personality such as mood changes, depression, anxiety or inflexibility with routines are also important clues.

As in all things, keeping in good communication with your child is important. Listen carefully to what they say. Talking is a great comfort to children. Talking about things in a more general way might make it easier for your child to talk about her own experiences. Be supportive. Your child is already feeing vulnerable to the bully. Don’t belittle their feelings. Don’t get angry. Be positive. Reassure the child that he isn’t responsible for the bullying. Explain that bullies often have problems that they don’t know how to handle.

Here are a few suggestions to give your child.

1. Try to ignore the bully. Acknowledge that this can be hard to do. Explain that the bully wants to get a reaction from the victim. If he can’t, he is likely to lose interest.

2. Stay away from the bully. Encourage them to play with other children and stay in a group.

3. Tell an adult. Go to a teacher, playground supervisor, guidance counselor, principal, or parent. Castro Valley Unified School District takes bullying very seriously, and they have an excellent and progressive system for handling bullying. Don’t hesitate to speak to your teacher or the principal. They will want to help.

The By-Standers

By-standers also suffer from bullying. They have to watch their friends being bullied and live in fear that the bullying will turn on them. Consequently, they may exhibit some of the same symptoms as the victims. Bystanders may also suffer from guilt caused by not helping their friend or diffusing the situation.  The guilt can lead to the same intensity of feelings of sadness or anxiety noted above for victims. 

Here are a few suggestions to give your child.

1. As above, have your child brainstorm ways to diffuse the situation – suggesting that someone go get an adult or walk away can be very helpful.

2. Encourage your child to acknowledge any feelings of guilt and apologize to their friend.  An apology and forgiveness can go a long way to offset feelings of guilt.

The Bully

The bully is someone’s child too. If the bully turns out to be your child, don’t panic and don’t become defensive or angry. Your child needs help, and you are the best person to provide that help. 

Children aren’t natural bullies. They harass other children because they have a problem that they are unable to deal with. It could be a problem at home, at school, or another place. Some of them have been bullied too. They often have low self-esteem. They see picking on others as a way to deal with their own problems. It helps them gain acceptance and feel more important, popular, or in control. It is a rare child who becomes a bully only because they like the sense of power to make other feels bad; however, if they are not redirected in this behavior they can learn that being a bully can be very gratifying in some ways and continue the behavior.

Talk to your child calmly and reassuringly. Ask what is going on, if he has problems at school or with other children. Ask what he thinks about being known as a bully and how he might stop. Let him know that bullying is a serious problem with serious consequences. Explain that they should be respectful of all children. Additionally, as always, a bit of self examination is important as well.  Is your child modeling behavior that they have seen at home or in their larger family circle –using a slight bit of fear and intimidation to have their needs met? Most behavior is learned and while it is often from sources outside the family including the media it may be coming from within.

You may need some help in understanding your child. There are many resources in the community, including your teacher and principal, school counselors, pediatrician, and  mental health professionals.

Conclusions

Although, as Dr. Alexander noted, bullying has been a “rite of passage,” it is not a rite that can not be replaced with other rituals that convey the same sense of mastery and confidence.  We owe it to our children—the bullied and the bully—to make sure they have a safe environment in which to learn and grow. Together with teachers and principals, we can do that.

Additional Resources

 US Department of Education

In depth discussion of ways that teachers and parents can recognize and deal with bullying.

http://www.ed.gov/admins/lead/safety/training/bullying/bullying_pg3.html#myths

American School Counselor Association

“If you grew up and are functioning in American society, you can probably provide your own definition of bullying and have had some level of personal experience with it. Bullying is an all-too-common human activity that has existed since the beginning of recorded history and is present in most cultures.”

http://www.schoolcounselor.org/content.asp?contentid=282

California Department of Education

Provides resources for educators, parents, and community members with tools for recognizing bullying behavior and approaches for determining how to respond.

http://www.cde.ca.gov/ls/ss/se/bullyres.asp