Castro Valley Educational Foundation

As our children finish the last few weeks of school, many of them are already beginning to anticipate what life may be like next year. For some, the transition will be welcomed and embraced; others will try to avoid thinking about it and may be anxious or depressed. So what then can parents expect as our children begin the next level of their education? The answer: pretty much anything and everything!

Starting Middle School

Younger pre-teens and teens moving on to middle school probably have the greatest changes in store. They move to a new campus and possibly new friends, and the entire curriculum changes. Although elementary school is composed around a core classroom and a single teacher, most middle school curriculums have multiple teachers and multiple classrooms. The students go to the teacher rather than the teacher coming to them. This can be very overwhelming as students try to balance each teachers’ expectations and rules while trying to remember to be in the right place at the right time with the right books and materials. As an aside, this has become an even greater challenge since middle school now starts at 6th grade rather than 7th grade. Many of us had an extra year to develop self-confidence and greater social skills (hopefully); some 6th graders are not as well equipped for this transition.

The transition to middle school also occurs at a time when there are lots of other physical, emotional, and intellectual changes as well. Let’s start with the physical. Aside from infancy and the first year of life, there is no other time in anyone’s life when their body will go through such complex physical transformations, all summed up in one word—puberty. For girls, many will begin starting their menstrual cycles as early as age 10 but will not have a regular pattern until age 13. Boys will start to have changes in their voices, possibly facial hair and the potential for other embarrassing moments. What’s a pre-teen/teen to do? Not only do you not know where you are supposed to be on campus but who knows which “you” will actually show up.

Emotionally, the social pressures ramp up, and our preteens and teens have to make real decisions about substance use/abuse, the expression of their sexuality, and what their true values/beliefs are. And did I mention that they also start thinking differently? Whereas before they focused on the “here and now” (think the “I want it now” days from toddlerhood), they now begin thinking beyond today and start to realize that what they do today can actually not show up or affect them until tomorrow or several days out. This is a sobering thought. Many will react by becoming impulsive and thinking they can and should do anything and everything, while others may withdraw and become overly cautious. If your head is spinning and you are totally overwhelmed by now, add this to your thoughts. We know that it will end and that most everything will be ok because we already survived it. They don’t know that yet.

So what’s a parent to do??? The answer is fairly simple but hard to do: plan ahead and stay informed, be flexible and listen, listen, listen.

Find out as much as you can about the school they are going to. Many schools, including Canyon and Creekside, have informational nights and information available in handouts or on the web about curriculum, extracurricular activities, and campus life in general. Visit the school and find out who else is going. Talk to others who have already gone.

Make sure you know where your teen is on the developmental front. Have they started puberty? How do they handle peer pressure and make decisions? How comfortable are they in new situations or social situations? If your child has always done well with new situations, this transition will probably follow the same pattern. If they haven’t done that well, then expect more of the same reactions. Past behavior is amazingly predictive of future behavior.

Listening sounds easy, but it may be the hardest thing to do. Be available when they want to talk and ask them how they feel about graduation and starting a new school. Share some of your memories about moving on in school. Try to continue some activities that will not change—keep the soccer team or Girl Scout troop together. Having a thread of stability and things that don’t change makes it much easier to manage changes. And don’t forget to be flexible. If the transition goes smoothly, there may yet be some bumps in the road.

If the transition is difficult, hang in there. Things should get better. If they don’t, talk to the parents of their friends to see how others in their social group are doing. Talk to the teachers to find out how they are getting through the day. Schedule a physical to make sure all is going well developmentally. If your child starts to lose ground and has personality changes or becomes overly withdrawn or depressed, then definitely check in with their doctor and maybe the school mental health counselor if one is available.

Starting High School

And what about our teens transitioning to high school? Although I’ve spent considerable time talking about the middle school transition, moving to high school can be hard too. Luckily, here again history is a good predictor of what you can expect. If other transitions have been challenging, this may be also. And many of the same issues are present as those from the middle school transition—a new campus, new peers and new rules (both in the classroom and outside on campus). Hopefully though, our teens are better equipped and have really begun to develop a solid identity in terms of their values, their friends, their expectations for the world around them and their goals. This transition can be managed similarly to that for middle school with one caveat. While our middle schoolers are just starting to master independence, our high schoolers are much further along and many are actually planning to separate from the family all together by beginning preparation for college. When I look at all the pressures high school students face today, I am very glad I went to school when it was “easier.” When there weren’t all the academic pressures and exams and when competition for a “good” college wasn’t as intense.

Try to be patient with your teen as they struggle through this last real hurtle before becoming young adults. While they are likely to continue on the same developmental path already in place, they really need your support now and if you are trying to sway them from a dangerous path, this is one of your last chances (no pressure of course). Try to preserve family dinners and time together to check in—if you don’t know what their baseline is you will have more trouble knowing when they are moving away from it. So many articles say that the most important time for parental involvement is between the ages of 0 and 3 years; I would add 15–17 years as well. As a professional who often sees “troubled teens,” I can tell you that I do not have the possibility of knowing a teen as well as their parents if they have remained involved in their lives.

Parents

One additional note. These transitions affect us as parents as much as they do our kids. Believe it or not, we have a lot of ourselves resting on how well our kids do and how well they fulfill our dreams as well as theirs. Be honest with yourself about this and try to keep clear “what is your stuff and what is theirs.” Talk to other parents. We’re all in this together. And relax and breathe. Our kids should do just fine and help is available if they or we need more support.

 Congratulations! You are the parent of a graduate!